


soap 101: how to know you're doing it wrong (by prof. killua)

by lemon_lullabies



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: But also not, Humor, M/M, This is crack, but also fluff, just 3.5k words about soap, please read i promise you will enjoy, rated because the f word is used twice (oh the horror)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_lullabies/pseuds/lemon_lullabies
Summary: Killua has survived more things than he can even remember. Broken bones, broken skin, broken will, broken heart. And yet none of these have ever come as close to killing him as one thing.Soap.Or: Killua vs. soap, the fic. This is just 3.5k of me laughing at my own dumb humor.
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nanika & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 33
Kudos: 152





	soap 101: how to know you're doing it wrong (by prof. killua)

**Author's Note:**

> hello, dear reader!
> 
> welcome to the stupidest thing i have ever wrote. and yet also the most fun i've ever had while writing. i laughed so much writing this, you have no idea.
> 
> this whole things was inspired by the discord server i'm in, primarily by FortunatelyLeftCat, legendary shitposter. love y'all <3

Killua might have a problem.

Okay, he definitely has a problem, and his name is Gon. But that’s not the problem in question here. Killua might, just maybe, have an unhealthy obsession with fashion.

Who is he kidding. He’s absolutely addicted. But how could he _not _be when he gets such a high from each new outfit that looks absolutely _amazing _on him? It’s not like he can truly get high from anything else thanks to his training as an assassin. Not to mention the looks he receives from Gon whenever he wears a particularly nice fit. Ha, have a taste of your own medicine, you bastard. It’s what you deserve.____

____The only problem with his newfound fixation is the amount of money he throws down the drain simply for his vanity. Money he could be saving to help get Alluka through college. Sure, he could make more money from more jobs as a hunter, but the more money he makes, the more he spends on clothes and an unnecessary amount of hygiene products._ _ _ _

____Oh, don’t get him started on hygiene problems. He swears that hygiene gives him more grief than his fashion fascination._ _ _ _

____Killua has survived more things than he can even remember. Broken bones, broken skin, broken will, broken heart. And yet none of these have ever come as close to killing him as one thing._ _ _ _

____Soap._ _ _ _

____Yes, soap. No, he is not exaggerating. Okay, maybe he’s exaggerating a little bit, but the amount of suffering soap has brought him is preposterous. It’s not that he struggles with using it. He has a spectacular hygiene routine, if he does say so himself. The issue lies with everyone around him. Perhaps the best way to explain is to list each of his problems one by one. In alphabetical order, for your convenience._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____1: Alluka  
Coincidentally, Alluka is both first alphabetically and the least exasperating when it comes to soap. Years locked up in the same room did no good for her hygiene. She was provided with the cheapest toiletries money could buy, leaving her hair stringy and with split ends. Luckily, she was still young enough that her skin didn’t suffer too much. It was a good thing that Killua saved her when he did. He shudders to think of the nightmare Alluka would have faced, having to go through puberty under such circumstances. She should be grateful._ _ _ _

____Speaking of grateful: she had turned into quite the little brat over the years. She was still soft and compassionate at heart, but she had quickly gotten used to Killua’s readiness to heed to her every need, and she did not hesitate to exploit her power. What was he thinking, living with both Alluka AND Gon: the two people who could make him do anything? He had really dug his own grave here._ _ _ _

____But back to the matter at hand._ _ _ _

____When Killua had introduced Alluka to the world of hair and skincare products, she had been excited to try everything. Of course, she had been excited to try everything, period. Understandable, considering she had come from a bleak realm of nothingness into a world of novelty. Every little thing was new and exciting. Even something as simple as shampoo._ _ _ _

____Not that Killua considers shampoo to be a simple subject. It was a _science _. An experiment to find the perfect combination to make his hair as fluffy and soft as possible. Oh, and clean, of course. But that comes second to fluffiness.___ _ _ _

______As he was saying, hair and skincare are a set of skills to be perfected. A field of study in which Killua excelled. And so he helped his sister discover the perfect care routine via trial and error. Alluka was a willing participant in his administrations, and Killua realized in retrospect that he should have appreciated her compliance. Little did he know, the worst was yet to come._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______2: Gon  
You know what? No. We’re skipping over Gon for now. Even just thinking about it… Killua shivers. Yes, we’ll come back to this one when Killua has the mental fortitude to deal with _that _particular disaster.___ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________2 (for real this time): Kurapika  
In all honesty, Killua should have expected that Kurapika did not have an ounce of self-care in his life. He was too focused, too determined to concentrate on such trivial topics. (Again, this should not be misconstrued as Killua believing hygiene is trivial). Kurapika’s life revolved around revenge. He only truly scrubbed at his skin to remove the stains of blood caked on his arms and caught under his fingernails. Everything about washing up was a chore; just another necessary but tedious task to complete before he could continue on with his mission._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua should have expected it yet again when he saw Kurapika at the York New auction all those years ago. He clearly had not cared to cut his hair. It framed his face nicely, but thin strands dangled in his eyes and snarled in the wind. He must have at least brushed his hair on occasion, though. There was no way it would remain that flat otherwise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________To be honest, there was still a lot about Kurapika he didn’t know. The man was an enigma, his train of thought nearly as difficult to follow as Gon’s. At least Kurapika had logic and common sense. But we digress. The point is, there’s a large chunk of time from leaving York New until Kurapika moved in with Leorio when Kurapika had been radio silent. Even living with Leorio, Kurapika was never one to initiate conversation. It was only when Leorio called that Killua would hear Kurapika’s voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua could only begin to imagine the hell that those two had gone through. The news he received was clearly watered down and sugar-coated. It was all domestic stuff, really: tales of late night grocery runs and playful complaints about each other. It was one such complaint that instigated Killua’s despair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hey, kid, did you know that Kurapika looks like a wet dog after he showers?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ugh, I don’t want to hear about your naked boyfriend, you perv!” The audacity of this man._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, shut up. Anyway, when Kurapika first moved in, he didn’t know what shampoo was.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua fell silent. He had to be joking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You have to be joking.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I swear, I’m not! He tried to use bar soap on his hair!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua was stunned. The world had stopped spinning. Nothing was as it seemed. Kurapika – intelligent, exceptional Kurapika – had used bar soap on his hair. Goddamn bar soap._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Please tell me you bought him shampoo.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Of course I did, you little brat. I’m a doctor; I care about hygiene.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And conditioner?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes, oh my God, calm down. Besides, Kurapika is so obsessed with his hair now. He uses this stay-on conditioner after he showers, too. Why does he have to be so extra all the time? You know what, he’s probably trying to keep it nice for me… He certainly enjoys it when I pull--“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua promptly hangs up. No thank you. Red heart emoji._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________3: Leorio  
After the Kurapika fiasco, Killua had high hopes for Leorio. Surely the man who bought nice haircare products for his boyfriend and was a self-proclaimed hygiene fanatic would have an excellent self-care routine himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua was wrong._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It started when Leorio and Kurapika had come to visit Gon, Killua, and Alluka. They planned on staying for a few days, long enough to catch up in-person and explore the city like the old days. Naturally, they lugged a suitcase with them upon arrival, packed tightly with clothes and the essential toiletries._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Wait a moment, this was Killua’s chance! His big chance to uncover the secrets of Leorio’s hair products. You know, strictly for science. It wasn’t creepy, he swears. (It was a little creepy.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua laid out an intricate plan. He would wait a few days, lay low to avoid suspicion. Wait until after they had showered and set their toiletries carelessly around the bathroom. Pick a natural time during the day – perhaps before dinner – to make his escape. It was normal to wash up before dinner; he could do his ~~snooping~~ examination then._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Everything fell into place perfectly. You see, Killua was something of a genius. Of course his plan went flawlessly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He reached the bathroom without suspicion. Check. He closed the door, just in case. Check. He peered around the cramped room, climbing into the shower to look for foreign bottles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Aha!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Suspiciously, there was only one bottle he didn’t recognize. He picked it up slowly, prepared for the worst. He braced himself, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He could do this. Come on, Killua, just open your eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When he looked down to read the bottle, he barely restrained himself from screeching. Anger and disgust flooded his system. Three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. THREE-IN-ONE. The horror. The audacity. Truly the greatest betrayal Killua had ever felt. And to think he had trusted Leorio for even a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He stormed out of the bathroom, throwing the door open with so much force it bounced off the wall and came back, hitting him in the face. He didn’t have time to care. He marched thunderously towards the main room, bottle clutched tightly in his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When he rounded the corner to find everyone laughing and enjoying themselves, Killua was livid. He stomped aggressively until he was right in front of Leorio._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What,” Killua seethed, “is this?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leorio squinted through his useless glasses, eyebrows furrowing before relaxing again in recognition._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That would be my shampoo. Or did you forget how to read?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I can read, old man! I can read that this says three-in-one. You’re telling me that you use the SAME PRODUCT for you shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Uh, yeah?” He didn’t even have the common-sense to look properly horrified. What a horrible world Killua lived in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“This,” Killua waved the bottle in front of Leorio’s face, “is disgusting. I trusted you, Leorio, and this is how you repay me? Pathetic.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leorio looked affronted, snatching the bottle out of Killua’s grip. “Hey, it works just fine! What’s the big deal?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What’s the big-“ Killua spluttered, “the big deal is that I believed in you. All that drama about Kurapika’s hair and meanwhile you’re using three-in-one products like a little kid.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Alright, that’s enough! Shut it, you little brat! I use hair gel, too, thank you very much. I do care about my hair, I’m just not a snob about it like you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua opened his mouth to offer a scathing response, but Gon came between them, grabbing Killua’s hand earnestly. “Hey, hey. Calm down, love.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Every coherent thought left Killua’s head in an instant. Common-sense evaporated, leaving Killua’s braincells frazzled and fried by the pet name. His cheeks flooded a bright red and he stood frozen, still as a statue. And then Gon giggled and broke his momentary lapse in judgement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Gon, you can’t say that in front of everyone,” he hissed, eyes narrowing in an attempt to look threatening. Rather, he looked like a defensive cat. It just made Gon laugh harder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua yanked his hand away, crossing his arms over his chest. “That’s it. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Gon’s laughter immediately died out, a stricken look crossing his face. “Killua, you wouldn’t!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I would.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No, please Killua! I’ll do anything! Anything at all. Please don’t leave me.” His voice dropped on the last line and his eyes began to water. Damn it, there he goes again, softening Killua’s heart. He couldn’t stay mad at that face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He sighed. “Whatever. It’s not like you’re actually going to stay away, anyway. You’ll ambush me by climbing into bed at two in the morning.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Gon’s resulting smile almost made Killua forget about the Leorio problem. Almost._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re still not off the hook,” he said, jabbing a finger at Leorio. “But I’ll forgive you just this once.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________4: Nanika  
This one was Killua’s fault, really. He had recently bought bubble soap so that he could blow some bubbles around outside and entertain Alluka. Of course, Alluka was mesmerized and had demanded that Killua let her try. She spent upwards of half an hour simply blowing bubbles or spinning in circles rapidly, allowing the wind to do the work for her. Killua had been so delighted by her laughter than he let her play with bubbles whenever she wanted, even inside the various apartments and hotels they took residence in. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That was his first mistake._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Now that they were indoors, away from prying eyes, Alluka begged Killua to show the bubbles to Nanika. He could never deny his sister, so obviously he agreed. Nanika was just as delighted by the bubbles – if not more – than Alluka had been. She wobbled around on shaky legs, popping the larger bubbles into rainbow-tinted oblivion with gentle fingers. He continued blowing the bubbles until Nanika inevitably grew tired and retreated back into Alluka._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As for the second mistake, it went a little like this: Killua had left the girls alone momentarily to run to the corner store for some last-minute groceries. He felt confident that they were not being followed, and his en was impressive enough by now that he could sense Illumi coming from a mile away. His trip took 15 minutes at most, and yet somehow he arrived home to a disaster._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Nanika was out, draped across the dining table and casually sucking on a bar of soap._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Nanika,” Killua asked hesitantly, “what do you have?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Soap!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No!” Killua sprinted over, yanking the bar from her fingers. She pouted, making grabby hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I want soap!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Nanika, no! You can’t eat soap! It’s not for eating!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Nanika’s eyes slowly filled with tears and Killua felt shame rise in his gut. He hated having to discipline Nanika. But if he wanted to be a good big brother, he would have to protect her and teach her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I just wanted the pretty bubbles,” Nanika murmured dejectedly. “I want to be pretty.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua’s heart shattered into a million pieces. How could his dearest little sister ever think she wasn’t beautiful? This angel was a priceless gift._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Nanika,” he took her hands in his own. “You’re already beautiful. You don’t have to change a single thing.” He kissed her forehead gently, conveying as much love as he could through the small gesture._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Okay,” Nanika whispered, and then she was gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Alluka was understandably confused._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Big brother, what are you doing?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua likely looked ridiculous, hair still tussled from the wind, coat hanging off his thin frame, one hand holding Alluka’s and the other still balancing the spit-covered soap._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua sighed. “It’s a long story.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Well, there was no avoiding it at this point. Best to get it over with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________5: Gon  
Killua will preface his anecdote with this: he loves Gon with all his heart. He’s said it before, and he’ll say it a million more times. Gon is his light, his home. The first person who really saw him back at age 12 and the first person to see him each morning, bathed in shy sunlight. The person who believes in him when he doesn’t even believe in himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That being said, he is a complete and total idiot. The antipole of sensible. The very definition of impulsive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Back when they were younger, before they separated, they often bathed together. It was nothing out of the ordinary. Wherever they were, they found themselves supplied with basic hygiene products: soap, shampoo, the whole shebang. Killua might not have been happy with the lack of selection, but he made peace with it. He spent every day just getting sweaty and dirty, anyway. Proper, thorough care would be a waste of time and money._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It was during their separation that Killua picked up his passion for skin and haircare products again. As previously mentioned, Alluka was along for the ride. God only knows what Gon was doing during that time. Something stupid, probably._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When they reunited again, though, Killua nearly lost his goddamn mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Gon was using dish soap. On his hair. Dish. Soap. On his fucking hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua was going to tear out that hair excruciatingly, one thick strand at a time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Gon’s “logic” was as follows:  
1\. Dish soap is cheaper.  
2\. It comes in more fun colors.  
3\. It smells like Whale Island, doing dishes with Mito. (Killua almost gave in at that one. But no. he must stand his ground.)  
4\. The bottle has a duck on the front. If it can wash ducks, it can wash Gon._ _ _ _

________Perhaps hygiene inadequacy was genetic. That would certainly explain it, seeing as Killua was certain Ging had only bathed twice in his life. But the fact that his dumbass boyfriend used dish soap was inexcusable. Killua would never settle until this shameful wrong was righted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He dragged Gon out of the apartment by the ear none to gently. He only let go halfway down the stairwell when Gon finally stopped whining and resisting, resigned to his fate. The walk to the nearest store was silent. Killua glared at the sidewalk in front of him, mouth set in a thin line. He actively ignored Gon, who stared at Killua with pleading puppy dog eyes. As a compromise, Killua offered Gon his hand. Gon happily entwined their fingers, appeased by the simple action. Fucking hell, Killua was so in love with this dork._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua would have preferred to buy Gon quality products at a salon like he did for himself. But he must have patience. Baby steps. For now, common brand shampoo and conditioner would suffice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He led Gon to the haircare aisle and suddenly Gon was mesmerized, eyes widening. He ran his fingers along the array of bottles, stopping to sniff each one. Killua admired him for a moment, a smile gracing his face. But there was no time to waste. He had to get down to business. He helped Gon find the right shampoo and conditioner for his thick and unyielding hair. Gon still wanted to smell every goddamned bottle. Killua had to forcibly drag him to the check-out line._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The walk home was much less tense than the walk to the store. Gon practically skipped next to him, swinging their conjoined hands joyously. “I never knew there were so many scents of shampoo, Killua! Thank you for taking me!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua tried to hide his smile by turning his head, but he couldn’t fool Gon. “Yeah, whatever. Let’s just go back home.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Things returned to a sense of normalcy. Killua suggested that they wash the dishes together by hand so that Gon could still reminisce of his time on Whale Island. Gon was delighted, offering Killua a grateful kiss in response. What an idiot. What a wonderful, adorable idiot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The best thing about the new shampoo was that Gon had a new signature smell. While they laid in bed at night and Killua would card his fingers through Gon’s hair, he could smell the strawberry. He hummed in contentedness. He could get used to this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A few weeks later while Killua stood in the shower, he eyed Gon’s shampoo warily. It seemed to call to him. Pick me, it whispered. Pick me and you can smell like Gon even when he’s not here. And if that wasn’t an appealing idea… Damn, how cheesy could he get? What had Gon done to him, making him this soft and domestic. Years ago, Killua would have never dreamed that he would be standing under a stream of warm water, deeply in love and tempted to sacrifice his delicate haircare routine just to smell like his boyfriend. And yet, here he was. Oh, the things he does for love. Killua gave up trying to resist the urge._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When Killua left the bathroom, towel around his waist, and pushed open the door to their bedroom, Gon looked up in surprise. “Did you… did you use my shampoo?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Color filled Killua’s cheeks. Damn it, he completely forgot about Gon’s keen sense of smell. He was never going to live this down, was he?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh no, no, Killua! I don’t mind at all! It’s kind of cute, actually! And I, uh…” It was Gon’s turn to flush a pretty pink. “I, uh, might have done the same thing…” His voice trailed off at the end and he averted his eyes, hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck sheepishly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Huh?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Huh?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I said, I used your shampoo, too. Earlier today. When I showered. I, uh, wanted to smell like you..?” The last sentence came out as a question, and Gon met his gaze, big, golden eyes meeting Killua’s stare._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua couldn’t help but laugh. Both of them had the same idea. On the same day. They really were made for each other, weren’t they? Man, there he goes again with those cheesy ass thoughts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Gon’s giggles quickly joined his own, and he walked up to Killua to hug him, dripping wet and all. “I should probably get dressed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You don’t have to,” Gon smiled, shameless as ever. “Killua is so pretty!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Killua smacked him lightly in retaliation. But really, he was as happy as ever. Gon knew this without having to ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And thus is the tale of Killua’s troubles with soap. Soap, you wonderful, terrible being! Why must you hate him so? What had he ever done to you? The whole situation was preposterous, really._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And yet, Killua pondered, soap had brought him so many memories, all of them good in retrospect. Soap had seen him through all of his moments of terror, disgust, frustration, and love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Perhaps soap wasn’t so bad after all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> did i make you laugh? god, i hope i did. drop a comment if you so desire, they always make my day!!
> 
> and of course, lots of love to AlkalineChatter, whose recent killugon fic is SO WHOLESOME and who somehow loves my writing.
> 
> UPDATE: my lovely friend FiftyShadesOfKillua made art of this dumb mess! find it here: https://50shadesxkillua.tumblr.com/post/634246217867640833/this-is-for-lemonlullabies-on-ao3-for-her-amazing


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